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You may be aware that we have a dog.
Jessie her name is.
A nearly 18 month old Cockapoo.
I’ll be honest, we haven’t trained her anywhere near as well as we could have.
She’s generally fine when you have her concentration but much too easily ‘lose her’ to a squirrel or something else exciting.
I’m nearly always the first one up and downstairs.
I come into the kitchen and let her out while I have my breakfast and and a coffee and, perhaps, do some work.
She doesn’t bother me at all.
She hears the next person starting to come down the stairs and she starts to twitch.
Excitement building.
She’s pacing up and down, turning in circles starting to yap.
That person comes in and she’s jumping up at them and about to explode with excitement.
Bothering them, scratching them and generally annoying them.
“Jessie. Stop. Will you get down. Stop. Jessie. No!”
Whilst reaching down and engaging with her.
Maybe picking her up for a cuddle.
To “make her stop”.
Jessie, of course, doesn’t speak English.
She just knows that when she behaves that way, it gets her exactly the response she wants.
Irrespective of the words that are accompanying it.
Overall, I spend by far the most time playing and bonding with her.
She behaves best for me overall.
It’s not that she doesn’t like me and doesn’t want my attention in the morning.
She’s just learned that that behaviour doesn’t get the desired response with me.
Waiting calmly until I’m ready to engage her on my terms does.
It’s human nature to not realise how much we are training others to behave in a certain way with our actions, irrespective of the words around them.
Someone offers us cake at work (other places we can actually go to now are available) and we say “no” a few times then give in and have it?
We’re just teaching them to keep asking.
Same with any food or drink.
Always say “No” the first four times then “Yes” on the fifth?
We’re teaching them to ask five times.
Change what we do because people say stuff like “Stop being boring” or “You’re making me feel bad” or “You’re no fun anymore”………….
Then we’re just teaching them to say that again next time.
Irrespective of what we say at the time.
People around us behave the way they do to us because we’ve taught them that that’s ok.
Not through our words.
But our actions.
How we respond to that behaviour.
This doesn’t mean we can’t eat cake (or anything else).
We can do whatever we like.
We’re all grown ups.
But, when we’re clear and consistent with those around us about how it’s ok to interact with us…………..
That ‘flabotaging’ can quickly become a thing of the past.
Much love,
Jon ‘Van Halen’ Hall