My three older kids (currently 11, 12 and 14 tomorrow) went through a very accusatory phase a few years ago.
When they couldn’t find their shoes it was “Somebody’s stolen my shoes”.
When someone said something that wasn’t quite right it was “They’re lying”.
All in a rather irritated way.
“Why would someone steal your shoes?” I’d reply.
“They’re either where you left them or, if someone has moved them it’s because they weren’t put away. They moved them for you, they didn’t steal them”.
Or “They’re just mistaken, they’re not lying”.
And so on.
To some degree they were kind of correct.
Someone had taken their stuff without permission or said something which wasn’t true.
But it was the motivation behind the action which was misinterpreted somewhat.
As we’re all guilty of on occasion.
Someone does something we’re not ok with and we’re tempted to think “Why are doing this to me?”
When, most of the time, they’re doing it “for them”.
They’re doing it for the ways it benefits them, in spite of the disadvantages to you……….
Not solely to create the disadvantages to you.
We get frustrated with the actions and behaviours of others………
When we haven’t even verbalised our expectations to them, let alone gotten their agreement.
We not only expect “us” of “them” but, probably, a somewhat idealised, best case scenario version of “us” as well.
We get annoyed at others’ behaviours when, mostly, people are doing their best with what they’ve got at that point.
It’s tempting to make these things about ‘us’.
But remembering it’s ‘their thing’ is powerful.
Not adding extra motivation and context to other people’s actions, where that doesn’t help us.
Challenging the meaning we put to other people’s actions can change it from life feeling like something that’s “happening to” us………
To putting us more in the driver’s seat to do what we can, where we can………
And make peace with what we can’t (or aren’t willing to).
Much love,
Jon ‘Zone’ Hall
P.S. The best thing you ‘can’ do right now is to enter your details here to take the first step that many have called “one of the best decisions I’ve ever made” –> www.myrise.co.uk/apply
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RISE in Macclesfield was established in 2012 and specialise in Group Personal Training weight loss programmes for those that don’t like the gym and find diets boring and restrictive!
